That's what my bank account looks like. This won't be a long rant. Its just a place for me to go of since this thing isn't read an no one has the link to this one. I learned from my past mistakes. Life has been a rollercoaster as of late. I lost my job over a funeral; dug myself into a huge hole attending said funeral, haven't seen a grocery store in over a month. Hence have a look.

Wait..Perhaps there's food in the cupboard? Let's look....



Yep that all that's left; the lone bag of rice. I think that I am definitely on the wrong side of these character building stories. However I don't regret going to funeral. I understood the consequences of my choice. Lone bag of rice, its gonna be you and me until the end of Sept. Together we'll conquer not only my financial woes; the academic world is no match for us!!! I really have stretched that bag o rice in ways not thought possible.

Did I forget to mention the Saab needs some work; The parts to fix some of the issues run almost 1,000 just for the parts. Meanwhile I'll just keep watch over the constant coolant puddles, and non functioning rear brakes. lol! It's no big deal. The issues with the Saab are more related to wear and tear versus breaking down. The coolant issue can be fixed with new water pump and radiator. Its not as bad as it sounds or perhaps I am just so used to it that it doesn't really get to me. I kinda miss the Army on days like these. I am trusting in God to provide. I just want to make sure that I am doing everything I can to move forward.

I could post this and email it around but that doesn't sit well with me. I am a man and men don't gravel at least not like this. As a Veteran I should be used to it now. At least rent is paid up til the end of the month. Then it is off to balance how I am gonna pay for books, fix the saab, and staighten out this mess. Time will tell. Thanks for listening to my rant. There really aren't too many people I could rant to without getting the whole trust in God rah rah bit. (No offense God)

I'm off to bed secure in the knowledge that this won't get out unlike suicide gate 07.

It is often in life that we are appraised of our individual self worth.  This time in Kansas City has brought several disturbing things to light. A major one being that there are less than desirable parts to me out there. I have noticed that over the past few months that I have withdrawn from most contact with people. Is is really because I want to cut them off or is that I lack anything of value to offer them? A question that resonates to the very core of my being. I was reading a story about a teenager, John Challis who was stricken with terminal cancer. He had every reason to hate the world; yet he chose to make the most out of his short life by inspiring others. He lost his battle with cancer yet his life will touch countless numbers of people. One of my buddies, Sheldon Yoder, is right now traveling in South America and doing what he loves; helping people and making a difference. I admire both of them because they found that which I have been searching for til this day; a sense of purpose. Life is meaningless without purpose; a reason for being. As I have progressed I have found that there is little that inspires me anymore; life sometimes takes on a form of a burden rather than enjoyment. It's not depression that I speak of. Why am I here; a proverbial question that I ask myself over and over again. I have a phone full of numbers; yet no one to call. I cannot even speak to any of my friends anymore because the chasm that separates our lives grows greater as the days pass by. Its as if I am watchng life pass by in suspended animation; unable to change my future or alter my destiny. I want to see freedom from these chains that bind me to the ordinary. Yet a sad truth has been revealed to me. I am consumed by hatred. Its poison has extended is reach into all areas of my life. Its is my sole reason to exist; to inflict suffering on the world. I am sinking deeper in this well of hate and despair and have chosen to bear this quietly. I wonder if  I am giving up and acceptng this hand that has been dealt to me; or is it that I merely have chosen to exist in this world rather than be a part of it. The strained relationships that make up my interaction with my family. A clash of wills. Perhaps my stubborness is going to lead to my demise. Time will tell. Some would ask why I don't share these thoughts with others. My answer is that its meaningless to do so. I am one who wanders; might as well make the most of it.

Here  I sit. I sold my car for less than half of what I paid for it. The glorious plans to leave Tulsa have fallen through. At least the ones that involved me leaving this week. I sit here and I am alone in this fight as it has always been. Me versus; me versus that. Its always like this. I am a failure. There is no way to sugar coat it. I put myself here and as such this is where it all shall end. Unless the cycle is broken.